One of the days that I dread every year is the first day of school. One reason for this is because I usually feel extra guilty because I can't stay for all the morning like a lot of the stay at home moms. I wish I could spend more time with my boys and the first day of school is my first reminder that I am missing so much of their life and they just keep getting older... *sigh*
This year my oldest son started the third grade and my youngest started kindergarten. I am so overwhelmed by how much they have grown (both literally and figuratively) in just a year. In November my youngest will be turning six and it is crazy that just six years ago I was pregnant for the second time.
I am not sure why but this year has really made me reminisce on where I was when I was pregnant with Jaden. I found myself pregnant in Minot, North Dakota, all alone. My husband left us and I had no job, in a town where I had no family. To say that I was scared was an understatement. I was not new to being alone and pregnant because when I was pregnant with my first child he was deployed to Iraq. However, this time I was faced with my worst nightmare: being a single parent, for the rest of their lives.
Just thinking about this time in my life makes me feel so incredibly sad and I wish I could go back to just tell myself that I would eventually come out of it, no not that everything would be okay, but that I would not always be that broken person in the mirror..
I have always been incredibly blessed because in my life there has been full of people that have stepped in to be exactly what I needed at the time. Surrogate moms, incredible friends, and strangers that have offered immense help in some very troubling times.
I say all of this because of the MANY opportunities that having a blog has opened for me I had forgotten that one of the reasons I started a blog in the beginning was to get my story out, I don't know if would want to call it my virtual diary .. but it was to be a way for me to say a little bit of what went on in my head and also maybe help someone not feel so "alone" in a situation that may mirror mine.
Be encouraged, stay focused, you are not alone.